Good heavens.  To judge by the gnashing of teeth, rending of garments and general hues and cries, you'd think the population of our fair nation was made up entirely of British journalists.  "Canada Sucks! Sky Is Falling! Soil Yourselves!!" commentary is something I would expect from Steve Simmons (oh hey, right on cue!) but from people with functional frontal lobes?

We crushed Norway 8-0 (as well we should) but couldn't score in the first period.  We lost a point...and I really can't stress that enough...not a game, a POINT...to a Swiss team punching above its weight and backed by a white hot goalie.  So this obviously means that Steve Yzerman is an idiot, Mike Babcock has undergone a lobotomy to remove everything he's ever known about coaching, five of Canada's seven defenceman have lost the ability to skate and we'll never win a gold medal again in our lifetime?  Please.

Settle down people.  This tournament starts tomorrow night.

More Week One navel gazing of Olympic proportions after the jump.

• For the longest time during the Norway game, I couldn't understand what the hell Gord Miller was on about with his repeated references to "Viking Style".  Did this mean the boys from Norge we're battling particularly hard?  Vancouver was about to be beset by manic hordes of large women with braided hair and horned helmets?  Or perhaps this was code for the launch of some kind of Scandinavian Super Weapon to be deployed against us so that their Danish cousins could finally steal our island once and for all!  My God!  That had to be it!  Quick, somebody get CSIS on the phone!!  Wait!  There's no time!  Beloved, my cape!  I MUST SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVE CANADIAN SOVEREIGNTY!  Then I realized he was referring to Norwegian centre Tore Vikingstad.  I have to admit...I was a little disappointed.
  
  
• Note to the 2014 Team Canada coaching staff: Steal their skates.  Spike the water.  Send a runaway Zamboni crashing through their dressing room.  Do something.  Anything!  It's freaking SWITZERLAND!  Bloody hell...
  
  
• As much as it shames me, I've come to realize that I am a sucker for shmaltzy and/or overtly jingoistic marketers.  First came that uber-sweet Wonderbread commercial with ridiculously cute twins dressed up as little tiny athletes.  I ask you, is there a more powerful sound in the world than that of a toddler giggling?  I submit to you there is NOT!  I'm powerless to resist.  Then there's the "Let's Make Sure Everybody Knows Who's Game They're Playing" Coke ad, replete with crazy-ass fiddles and screaming fans.  I can't get enough of that one.  Seriously, I would go to war to that commercial.
  
  
• The stupid talking cars?  Not so much.  Way to use that bailout money, GM.
  
  
• So the Swiss have taken their bobsleds and gone home.  With all due respect to the family of Nodar Kumaritashvili, I'm with Pierre Lueders.  If your teams are crashing out of the Olympics, don't blame the track.  Send better teams.  Or don't come at all.
  
  
• Best Canadian podium moment so far?  Sorry, Alex, Maelle, Christine and Jon.  Marianne St-Gelais bouncing around on the podium like an eight year-old on a sugar high over her short track silver chokes me up every single time.  Kind of puts paid to all that "you don't win silver, you lose gold" nonsense, doesn't it?
  
  
• Except for the hockey teams.  Bring home the gold or you are all colossal failures fully deserving of your nation's scorn and will spend the rest of your days enduring the sight of broken hearted children and their bitter tears.  Just sayin...
  

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