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Thrash 6, Sens 1: You're Gonna Love My Nuts! Operators Are Standing By! E-mail
Written by SLC   
Tuesday, 12 January 2010 22:20

Are you a "professional hockey franchise" whose very existence is one of the great mysteries of our time?  Are you on the verge of offering up yet another superstar as trade bait due to the fact that there will be no way on God's green earth you'll be able to match the inevitable free agent money he will command?  Are your twelve genuine fans yawning in outraged indifference to your one win in the last ten games?  Are 80% of your players in prolonged scoring droughts?  Does your game day crowd consist almost entirely of confused tourists who wandered in looking for the monster truck show?

Well, the news is good friend!  With one phone call and three easy payments of $39.95, we can fix all of that.  How?  Easy.  We're the Ottawa Senators.  AND WE SUCK ASS!

That's right.  Order now, and we will send you the sorriest collection of minor league call ups, fuck ups, glorified third liners and gutless pseudo-superstars ever to don the blades!

MARVEL as a brain cramping rookie who has no business in the league mentally vapour locks to hand you the back breaking goal on a plate!

SIT PLACIDLY IN AWE as our $5,000,000 Man gets repeatedly knocked off the puck like a palsy stricken gerbil!

GOGGLE at our defence's galactic stupidity and their inability to complete a four foot pass!

All of this can be yours!  YES SIR!  Imagine how impressed your citizens will be upon catching the highlights of this game while waiting for the reports on pork belly futures on the eleven o'clock news!  "HEY! Bobby Sue, c'mere!", they'll exclaim, "theyz looks just like them '85 Oilers!  I gotsta git me sum tickets!"* You'll be beating them off with a stick!

BUT WAIT!  THERE'S MORE!  If you call within the next twenty minutes ('cause we can't do this all day), we'll throw in the two most pathetically coached goaltenders in the League absolutely free!  Your troublesome and confusing days of formulating an actual offensive strategy are OVER!  Just shoot! Hell, don't even do that!  Just stand there and let our guys bring the puck to you!  Easy, peasy, linguini, martini, bikini, Japaneasy!

That's right!  You'll get one pathetic excuse for an opposing team WITH Junior C level goaltending for one low LOW price!  Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back!  Order now!

* Instructional video on who the hell the '85 Oilers were available for an extra $9.99 (plus S&H).

Comments (9)Add Comment
...
written by Steve HL, January 12, 2010
Awesome stuff, I just feel bad for Alfie having to end his career surrounded by such raw sewage.
HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
written by Michael Fisher Portnoy III, January 13, 2010
My brother coaches junior C hockey, don't even try to compare B-elli or Snoopy the the group if idiots my brother has... his kids are WAY more consistent!
Sing it sister
written by Dany Heatley Speedwagon, January 13, 2010
*standing on desk clapping*
YOU GOT HIM FIRED. Mad props to SLC!!!!
written by neil danz, January 13, 2010
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Eli Wilson is gone!
HES GONE! FINALLY! What a hinderence. Just get a good goalie coach and watch the more consistent results. Get these injuries back and watch this team return to its a few above .500 form.

Heres the thing folks. Have we been healthy all year? No.

Have we had anything short of every injure being major? No.

Kuba, Volchenkov, Winchester, Donovan, Neil,Foligno, Spezza, ALFIE, Michalek ALL SERIOUS injuries.

YES we are all mad we lost 5. We are all mad we played bad. BUT THE INJURIES are getting rediculous.

A new GOOD goalie coach + getting Foligno Alfie and Michalek back will help big time. Not maybe right away, but a couple of games later.

DO NOT JUDGE THIS TEAM BASED ON THIS 5 game STRETCH.
90% of our offense is in the press box.

We have a sub par d.

So when you lose Michalek-Spezza-Alfie + your 2nd line left winger...leaving you Fisher (who has gotten laid so there goes the scoring...naw just to easy to cover one guy) + Kovalev (lazy) + Shannon Rookie Regin...WTF did you guys think was GONNA HAPPEN!

Crap goalie coach.
Sub par d.
4 top 6 forwards gone.
=TEAM GETTING DOMINATED.

Things will turn around. And it starts in net.
Hell, both goalies will look better just in Eli's abscence.

The book of Eli has come to a close.

Thanks SLC for getting that sack of shit dumped.
People clearly listen to you when you type.

Any chance you could get the brian to make a couple of trades?
...
written by SLC, January 13, 2010
I'll go you one better Neil. Nickle beer nights at SBP! I must use my powers only for good.
Murray?
written by The Ryan Coke Experience, January 13, 2010
Now that Wilson is gone, isn't it time that the Sens decide to get rid of Murray? This was a team that went to the finals under Muckler, Murray takes over, and since then the team has lost secondary scoring, depth, drafted bad, had about 42 coaches, seen its attendance go down, etc.

I really don't see any rationale for keeping Murray around.

Also, every team is going through injuries. Ottawa's not alone in that regard, so it can't be used as an excuse.
Not Murray
written by SLC, January 13, 2010
Sorry Ryan, we'll have to agree to disagree. Muckler raped and pillaged the farm to get to those Finals, so when Murray took over, the cupboard was bare. I also think we'll have to wait a few years to pass judgement on Murray's draft record, but from what I've seen coming up from Bingo, it looks promising.

As far as injuries go, every team does have to deal with them, that's true. But how many lose 5 of their top 9 forwards AND their entire #1 line for any length of time? I've never seen it this bad. No excuses, just fact.
Congrats !
written by HabsFan29, January 13, 2010
on your new found superpowers of getting people fired!

you following me, camera guy?
...
written by SLC, January 13, 2010
@HF29: Pay no attention to the smashed hat.

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Last Updated on Tuesday, 12 January 2010 23:21
 

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